


Strugglers

by TheNobodyofaSOLDIER



Category: Berserk (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Death, F/M, Grief, Sorrow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-22 17:46:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21306053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheNobodyofaSOLDIER/pseuds/TheNobodyofaSOLDIER
Summary: A series of one-shots dedicated to the series "Berserk!"
Relationships: x readers - Relationship
Kudos: 3





	Strugglers

[Rickert x Reader]

A chilling breeze nipped on your skin on your way uphill. Gripping the shawl more tightly around your shoulders, you shrugged away the urge to turn against the wind. A thin moisture attempted to brim along your lower lashes, but you squeezed your eyes shut for the briefest moment, wishing the drops away, as you could not yet afford to struggle with weakened eyes. More of that was to come, but only when you met your small journey’s end. Only then, and finally, you could open your heart to the overdue, suppressed pain.

“Almost there.” Your trembling body was reassured by a gentle voice of a familiar friend, who surprisingly resurfaced in your new, but still tattered life, while you had not yet set aside all the pain of this old life. You nodded in solemn response, hardly daring to speak just yet.

A moment’s time passed steadily, and at last, you stood exactly where you needed to be to validate all the bitterness and pain you had swept too far under the rug.

Your old friend Rickert brought you to a personal memorial bed for the late Band of the Hawk. Only recently had he confronted his fears and sorrows concerning these personal losses, and because of his time and effort, you could bring the same need to fullest fruition. You marveled at his handiwork, even before you let your heart sink. A time of deep mourning could somehow bring you face to face with the celebration of great life—that, meaning you saw clearly how this child became a man. You silently rejoiced in this rekindled friendship, now more thankful that he brought you to this hill of swords.

“Bless you,” you bit your lip after another glimpse of the solemn soil, squeezing his hand tightly.

“Please, take all the time you need.”

Knowingly, Rickert released your hand and stepped aside, staying within the general range overlooking the swords. He knew exactly where you were going.

Although you tried not to stall, you made a common courtesy of visiting each sword to give best regards to the souls long past. In truth, you did know them all, thought not at the same level of camaraderie as Rickert—albeit, you still remembered all their names. It only served meet and right to ensure the safety of each resting soul, while your heart was still sewn perfectly. Soon enough, such would not be said for the last confrontation. Wishing your best with a few final words, you turned toward the sword that tattered your heart most harshly. Your lids sank deeply, and as they were no longer a slave to the wind, your eyes produced the swells of tears that held no shame and no humiliation. They spoke the words of heartache that your mind and heart had been trying to form for the passing years of uncertainty, for the lack of closure that plagued your abandoned life. Your fingers tugged into the fabric of your blouse, as if to tear away at the unhindered pulses from underneath. Before you could speak, your chest mustered a cry from the depths of memories almost shattered forever, and after the long wait, you sobbed your most bitter, your hardest pain, your deepest love—thus, your plea to heaven was heard from above.  
“Judeau…” you murmured softly, when your speech had redeveloped with the calm after the storm. “My heart, my soul, my reason for living…if only I had known then…if only…” Your tears watered the soil passionately, crying before the grave of your first love.

Rickert noticed how much you struggled from afar, seeing a little of himself in you at this moment. Having seen first hand what fond memories you had made with Judeau back then, he understood rather well how much today would change you. However, he couldn’t blame himself, or you, for this universal need to confront the past. If anything, it would only hurt more to see you live the rest of your life abandoning these memories, as if they were only dreams. Truth be told, they were greater dreams than anything this band would have accomplished, due to such harsh circumstance. What could be a cruder way to die than human selfishness?

Within your heart and mind, you sorted through your fondest memories with Judeau, feeling a precious need to remind him of all of them. Though you knew your attempts to find him would be futile, you brushed your fingers through the wet soil, as if you felt him there, to see if heaven would hearken to your voice just once.

“Judeau…I know you didn’t have as much time for me, and I have never once held that against you. I prayed every night that you were finding yourself, even if I wasn’t there to see it. If there was perhaps one day that we could celebrate it over a meal, I was more than happy to wait as long as necessary.” You sighed, “Every spring was so beautiful. It was a precious joy to me, seeing your hair glow in the sun, and your freckles wrinkle up at the brightness….”

In that moment, you plucked a wilting flower from your hair and laid it gently beside the sword.

“Because now, this place will be as beautiful as ever, and I will feel your soul in this place every time. I will eat with you in this very spot. You can even invite your friends every once in a while, if they still care enough,” you chuckled softly through the tears. “I am a fool, you see. I am a fool who loved this strongly for my first time, and I am the same fool to feel widowed by losing you. My heart and soul were so dearly married to yours, and they died the day I lost you. I was stupid, not ever knowing where to find you….after you were gone from the earth…and now, even if I am still stupid enough to love you as much after death as in life…I…I….” You clasped your hands to your face, betraying the silence that has surrounded you for years. “I will sacrifice my time to give to you something you didn’t ever deserve to lose!”

When all was said and done, you wailed, you mourned, you poured your heart in a way that you never could before. There was no one to shame you, no one to insult this sign of devotion. Even now, Rickert’s presence behind you did not prevent you from being this brutally honest. What needed to happen then was now fully established.

Whether minutes or hours passed was none of your concern. Rickert stood in complete patience for you, and once you steadied your breathing, you felt a hand on your shoulder. With a soft sniff, you turned your glance upward with a serene smile.

“Thank you, really,” your eyes, though weary and red, gleamed with an earnest gratitude. “What you have done for these beloved fallen has benefited us greatly. You are really quite grown up now. Don’t let go of the strength you have gained from this.”

“The same for you,” in the same fashion, Rickert smiled gently, but still wholeheartedly. “What Judeau shared with you was more comparable to that of a dove rather than a hawk. I will even say on his behalf that he gave himself wholly to your dream, and very willingly. He truly fulfilled himself in you.”

“If you believe it, so do I. I can always hold that, and I can never forget it.”

“Come, you need to rest now. Nights have become much chillier these days.”

As he took your hand, you stood with him to walk home, carrying with you the foolishly loving heart and a healthy and wise closure for your dearly departed.


End file.
